I wrote these a while back, back when the level cap was 85, and everyone was either complaining about farming, but nonetheless participating in Sambrog runs.
Well, I wrote the first two a while back. The third is a more recent edition. I wrote it after i rediscovered my stories on kin forums the other day. I decided to post them here as well, since they were a smashing hit with kinmates.


This is the first one I wrote. If you don't like it, i have the number for the Mordor department of casual walking, strolling, and picnic reservation. I would highly encourage you to give them a call.
“Barrows of Cardolan Non-Corporeal displacement services, how can we help you today?”
The spirit hissed lightly before beginning in a sepulchral tone, something which is drastically overdone by most non-corporeal forms.
“I have come on a long journey from angmar, to take residence in the body of one long dead. That is why I came. From angmar.”
“Did I mention it was a long journey?”
“Please step away from the desk sir. You are standing in the middle of it.”
“I’m sorry, its just that I have come on a long journey.”
“You mentioned that three times already”
“Did i? well it was a long journey. Full of perils”
“…”
“Oh yes. There were these ghastly free peoples who were slaying fell spirits such as myself. They mentioned they were ‘casual adventurers’ and none said anything about being even slightly heroic. But that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was this: They were all….” His voice cracked slightly “…hobbits.”
The attendents slightly annoyed face dropped into one of horror.
“Hobb buh bubits?” she stammered. “Casually raiding? In angmar? I better notify sambrog”

Meanwhile, back at the Barrow…
*sweet home Alabama ring tone*
“Just one second guys, I gotta take this.”
Sambrog pulled out a beeping device from his pockets. A group of 5 hunters and a guardian paused their slaying for a minute while he paced around the room talking to it.
“Sir, important news. The hobbits are invading angmar.”
“What? I don’t have time for hobbits to invade; I have instances to fight in. Tell them to wait. Or give them the number for the Mordor department of casual walking, running and strolling and encourage them to request a reservation for a picnic on mount doom. They should get plenty delayed by that. ”
“I did sir. They hung up on me.”
“Just send them a complementary freshly sacrificed goat. I’ve plenty of those lying around”
“Sir, I don’t think…”
“And throw in some of that delicious corrupted barrow-brie. Mmm… cheese”
The dwarf guardian cleared his throat.
“Yes? Oh sorry, forgot about you guys. Mind taking it easy for the rest of the fight? I got this pain in my toe.”
“You are accounted as one of the dead” replied one of the hunters. “How then can you feel pain?”
“Good point. What I mean is, if I were alive, I would have this pain in my toe.”
“You dare request reprieve because...”
“I would have this pain in my toe, yes.”
“I cannot comprehend how this bears upon your ability to fight”
“Well it does. You try being a wight sometime, which everyone wants to kill because he’s supposedly so easy.”
“Our apologies, but this makes little sense, and we have loot to procure. Now die!”
Twenty seconds later the fellowship was grumbling about receiving only relics.
“Bugger. Now I have a pain in my other toe”
“I’m still here sir”
“Yeah? Well listen, just do whatever it was I said to do, and then…”
“Yes?”
“Just slack about for a while. If the hobbits have gotten angmar we are doomed by now.”
“Doomed? I don’t under…”
“Yeah doomed. They’re just these small guys and they’ve overrun angmar? Lord More-derp-ith isn’t as scary anymore since he got promoted from general secretary of accounts payable to whatever it is that those nazgul guys used to do there, running tax audits or something. Udun, he probably handed it over to them over a elevensies.”
“Elevensies? Tax auditing? Sir! I am merely a bottom of the barrel bureaucratic official. I get shouted at all day about how screwed up the system is, and I retaliate by giving those shouting people long and complex scrolls to sign, then I tell them that they got it all wrong, and give them a different set of scrollwork of even more complexity to muddle through. I don’t hand out holy goats or sacrilegious cheese to free-loaders!”
“Ok skip all that and go straight to slacking. Oh hang on, another group is here”
*click*
“Welcome existence you have come to meaningless friends.”
Six pairs of eyes stared at him as if he had just intentionally tripped a waiter carrying flaming kebabs on a tray.
“Err hang on, let me recheck this script”
*quietly * “so, the group comes in, and touches that cryptic looking thing over there. Then I say ‘Welcome friends, you have come far to end your meaningless existence.’”
*ahem* “Welcome friends, you have existed to come to your meaningless end. Far from wherever it is you came.”
The eyes continued to stare at him as if he were the singular reason that the restaurant where they had been enjoying a rather nice meal was now a pile of charred timbers.
“Ah forget it. ‘The time for flight has bended’ and blah, blah, blah. Just attack.”
“Art thou truly Sambrog, lord of the wights of the barrow downs? Thy manner of speech is little better then a buffoon or jester of some forgotten king”
“Not really, no. I took some acting classes last month, and got this job last week. The other ‘sambrog’ guy wanted a vacation due to lack of deaths in his instances. Lack of deaths on the invaders side. So if you want him back, you’re going to all have to die.”
“Truly? We have come for loot and seals, and no jesters trick will fool us, be thou sambrog or no. Now ready thyself for battle.”
“Hey yea? Haven’t seen any seals about this place, I heard they were all in ford of shells or whatever that place with the big drink is called.”
“The place is known as Forochel, and though there may seals there, though not of the kind for which we seek. We search for those which can be traded for FA symbols”
“I don’t see the difference. A seals a seal, of course unless it’s a dugong, even if you want these…” he paused hoping he could pronounce it entirely wrong “Ef-ay symbols. Is that elvish?”
“Nay, it is an abbreviation.”
“Clever. So, you guys know when I go on break? I got this weed I want to try from a rather mellow dwarf who was in here earlier. He was one cool guy.”
*sweet home Alabama*
“Sir! The hobbits are filing with the Middle Earth Supreme Court of Real and Fantasy Estate to transfer all possessions of angmar to the jurisdiction of the shire.”
“Judy? I can call you judy can’t I? Never mind, Judy, listen to my specific instructions”
“Yes?”
“It’s very important you do the following:”
“Yes?”
“Stick a bucket on your head.”
“Just that?”
“No, but that will do for a start. Now stop bothering me, I got these guys coming at me with axes”
*click*
“Whoa guys, what’s with all the bad feelings?”
“Die foul fiend of angmar! Thy spirit shall no longer plague these lands.”
“Fine. But you should know, im about to throw this purple chemical thing which makes you guys sneeze. And theres the exploding crawling things which get green gas everywhere. I think it gets this powder in your hair that makes it a shade of puce when exposed to moisture.”
“Your attacks, clever as they may be, will do us no harm.”
“Ok you guys win. Here are 2 chests of stuff, im not sure whats in them. I might have left a sandwich in there a few days ago, just watch for mold.”

*sweet home Alabama*
“*mumble mumble mumble*”
“Judy, take the bucket off for a second. Did you just say the hobbits have retracted their claim for angmar, or that the bounders have taken a drain for Eclectic Features?”
“The bounders have taken a drain for Eclectic Features.”
“Whose drain was it?”
“Thadur’s. He’s not happy about it.”
“Another group is here. Give me a second and ill call him”
*click*

“Guys, before you start the pew pew and stuff, I just want to say im a wight, not a zombie.”
“We don’t care, we just want gold lootz”
“Some guys called me a zombie earlier today. It’s a classic mistake, the other guy got that all the time. Plus it hurts my feelings.”
“Yeah, so? We got other instances to run. You ready to fight yet?”
“Fine. Don’t come crying to me when you get a sprained finger or if your eyes start to melt.”
Another load of gleeful relics succeeded in disappointing that group.

*beep beep beep*
“Hey thady, you there?”
“Yeah. I suppose you have heard by now, my plumbing system was taken for being too ‘eclectic’. They replaced it with a plug. Now how am I going to drain all this water in here? My skin is starting to wrinkle up. I think I’m allergic.”
“well, if you want to come over and talk about it, I got a gag and a dog that barks really loudly.”
“Some noobs are here, playing with fire again. Guess I’ll see you tonite when we get off and go spray graffiti all over bree then.”
“Yeah, see you then. Bring someone else’s feet; yours might be all rotted by then.”
“’Kay. I got some weed too. Fresh stuff, not the kind you dig out of your basement after its been down there a few centuries.”
*click*

*sweet home Alabama ringtone*
“What now judy?”
“*mumble mumble mumble*”
“Yes, I know thadur’s drain got taken. Hes got a tiny ocean of water in his room.”
“*mumble mumble mumble*”
“Tiny ocean, pond, puddle, whats the difference?”
“*mumble mumble mumble*
“Fine you can take the bucket off for now. Just keep it close by in case you don’t have anything important to say.”
*click*

“Wheres our gold loot?!”
“You guys again? Look, I don’t control what’s in these chests, I’m just in charge of putting them out.”
“Fine! We are going to run this instance till you give us a chest with gold!”
“I got a number for the Mordor department of casual walking…”
They left muttering after a grinning set of relics gleefully greeted them from the chests.

*sweet home Alabama*
“Sir! The hobbits have retracted their claim for angmar”
“Really? What made them do that? Was it the goats? I told you that would work.”
“They mentioned something about it being too choked with ash and dust to pay the ridiculous re-distribution fees. Said it wasn’t worth a mathom you give to a hobbit you don’t really like but give one to anyway cause you don’t want to appear rude.”

“We want gold!!!”
“Again? You guys were here just 6 minutes ago. Obsession can be very bad for your health. At least that’s what my necrologist said. Anyway I’m on the ring, give me a second here”

“So, it was the cheese. Funny, I thought the goats were better. I gotta go, this elf is zapping the ceiling with his pet rock.”
*click*

“If you don’t like the décor, bring your own. Never mind, my shift is over. Here, take these boxes and open them, I gotta go do something outlandishly illegal before I vomit.”
Once more, they left grumbling, though one did receive a scroll to rip those smirking relics right off a weapon.